Living through an American Recession

Dealing with never ending life changes. Who says making lemonade is the best thing to do with those lemons life throws at you?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

We know...

She awoke in the morning, not quite sure where to start. "The list, ah yes, the list..." She whipered with a deep sigh. The place where her love and life partner once layed, warming her at night, is now cold and empty. He was gone... with the other woman on his mind. A tear welled in her eye as the picture of him with this other woman burned forever in her memory arose like a curtain bringing tears and anxiety. "How did I get here? How do I get out of this mess?" She cried as she closed her eyes again.

As she looked at the list, the long list of fires that were burning he left behind for her to put out, she picked up her pen and started to write. One letter to him apologizing for her ill actions after he left, hoping that he found something wonderful in this other woman, for making his life so miserable and one to her son for being the greatest kid on earth; a mother who was sorry she "couldn't find a family for us in our lifetime together."

She gathered her letters, her knife and her keys, heading for the car. "I won't let my son find me this way." The tears flowing like rain she drove to where her love was staying, waited for him to leave, just wanting to see him one last time and silently say goodbye. But the fear overwhelmed her as her reflection in the blade reminded her of what a beautiful person she once was, bringer of life, lover, and creative mind. "Why are we as people so cruel to each other?" She thought slumped in the car crying so deeply. She glanced over at the letters laying on the front seat of the car.

Flashes of all the wonderful times they had raced through her mind, the future they had drawn together was now just a science fiction piece, laughed at as hocus pocus. Left on the path in the dark, alone, cold and scared, forced to crawl on her hands and knees through the darkness feeling her way around looking for any flicker of light. She screamed, she cried, she became destructive to herself and everything around her desperately seeking a way to go amongst the many who disapreared into the dark ignoring her cries for help.

As she looked up, she watched him ride away down the street wishing he would see her, hold her, tell her he was sorry for crushing her soul and tell her everything was going to be alright, but he never turned. She glanced back at the blade, sharp and cold, she knew just where to cut so she would just pass out and feel no pain. Her hands began to sweat, her stomach cramped, she looked in the mirror watching the vein rise to the surface... She wondered how warm the blood would feel flowing down her body, the smell of iron, the last few breaths before going dark and waking up, somewhere. Her fear of death didn't exist, she was ready to find out if she would go somewhere or just back into the ether joining with all the other energies in the universe.

"The password is, dragonfly." She whispered, a word her and her son came up with to let the living one know there is a beyond. 

Just then a woman drove by slowly, smiling at her as if to say "I know...I've been there too and you'll be okay. Go home to your son, he still needs you here."

She lowered the blade down on her lap, her head laying on the stearing wheel; a tear falling on her hand rolling onto her leg.

She lifted her head, opened her eyes and looked around her room. A phone, a blade and a list sat on her lap, a choice she needed to make to solve this problem. As she dailed the number the police were at her door within minutes escorting her to the hospital where she got treatment and met others like her. The days past between grogy, medicated, lonley nights.

As she sat in the group sessions each telling their stories of how they got there, the tears fell while two women told identical stories to hers. They smiled and hugged each other.

"I too was there, and we will all be okay. We are still needed here." She told them, as they smiled back and wished we had met sooner.

"But we met now, and this is when we need us the most." She cried and reassured them with a warm touch.

Later that afternoon she walked down the hall towards the door to the outside world. As she passed the rooms she said her goodbyes to the wounded souls like hers, the unforgiving selves, the bullemic, and the angry one. We all know what we seek when we close our eyes, it's there, it just gets forgotten about amongst the chatter.

"A new path awaits us all." She said as she took her first breath of the outside air with a smile.


She struggled to understand what was behind the deep non-existent word of admiration that seemed to never make it from his lips. A vibration she sought to be in front of. "Am I not worthy of compliments?" she uttered as she pondered her reflection from various angles in the mirror. "What does he not see in me?" Are his fears and insecurities that strong as to leave others feeling unattractive and unadmired?

The years past, the friendship grew, the love deepened, but the connection faded.

"Can you at least tell me I'm pretty once in a while? she asked.

"I will try." He said with hesitation, but the try never came.

"Can you roll over and hold me some time?"

"I will try." Again with hesitation, but the try never came.

A withering flower unnurtured by loved ones, we bloom, we die... Touch us like warm water on our skin, whisper a compliment in our ear to warm us like the sun. We are women, creators of life forever nurturing and yearning to be desired.

We are women, we are beautiful, we are admirable. We are worthy of compliments of admiration and worthyness. We must compliment each other more, not less.

Did you compliment someone today?

Saturday, October 9, 2010


The human will to survive, is to say the least, a very strong and powerful thing. How and where we find this strength is such a mystery to me. Once arriving at  our determined destination the challenge begins with finding the balance between relief and bitterness. How does a conscious being place such a burden on another, leading us to the edge of the unknown. "What did I do? Am I that bad of a person?" The words go round and round looking into the dark abyss, our internal GPS dead with no response.

Frying circuits, "does not compute", a movie with no ending leaving you pissed off and wondering why the hell you wasted 2 hours of your time. Do we create our own hell when we transform back into the collective consciousness? All the negative energy we created making waves with others following us through time and space, life after life. The mind can let go and believe whatever it wants, but what of the ones we put this burden on? I do not believe we can leave a path of destruction behind us without causing some sort of disruption to everyone that we are. What we do to others, we do to ourselves and those who abandon should be pittied for their negligence and unwillingness to see, they have no rear vision. They are creating the negative energy that eventually makes it's way back around to them, keeping them in the same situations over and over again. Stuck in thier own insanity. Someone once told me "if you want different results, do something different."

People love, live and thrive together. The need for closure is great. Love those who love you, feed those who feed you, tell them you love them. It is cruel to be left in the unknown, forever wondering how, why, when, who...

It is much greater a crime to hurt someone who loves you by allowing the ego to control some false sense of right and wrong. No loving being deserves to be abandon.