Getting past loosing anything is never easy. It really irritates me when people categorize your loss. Who came up with the "Loss rating system" anyhow? The loss of a job may be no big deal to you while devastating someone else. I know they're just trying to sympathize and perhaps don't know how or what to say to you but would you pat a widow on her back during her husbands funeral and say "Hang in there girl, you'll find another one. Just forget him and move on, you're better off without that asshole anyway." Would you send flowers to someone who just got their car stolen?
Our minds and bodies all respond the same way to any stress or trauma whether it's loosing a job, the loss of a loved one, a family pet or even retirement. Stress & trauma is still, stress & trauma! The changes to our daily routines are interrupted which makes it harder to move on. Every time we sit down to eat, they're not there. Every morning we wake up, we realize we have no job to go to. The wound is constantly broken open. It's opened a gap in time we must fill with something else, it's the law of the universe. Something will always fill in an empty space, it's physics.
But how do we move on?
In my own times of loss I remember the feeling of being on your hands and knees, feeling your way around in the dark, scared, alone and feeling like you can't find the door to get out. The mind remembers that there was sunshine somewhere; it's why we want out of suffering. Subconsciously we know love and happiness exist, we just can't find our way back to it. But we can, and do. As I've gotten older and having been through my share of pain and trauma I've realized that life is a repeating pattern just like the seasons, the days and cycles of everything. Happiness and suffering are like the seasons. One may love winter by playing in the snow, another is freezing to death and digging out to stay alive, then the sun comes and saves the dying one but now burns the one that was playing in the snow.
Man is sitting quietly enjoying camp.
Dinosaur invades camp, chases man.
Man reacts either by running or fighting.
Danger is over and dinosaur is gone but camp is destroyed by dinosaur.
Man gets sad at loss of camp.
Man gets angry, then sad, then confused as to why and where the dinosaur came from.
Man gets angry at himself, then others, looking for a "why".
Man gets frustrated and tired of rebuilding camp.
Man rebuilds camp better than before and enforces surroundings.
Filling the time gap:
Our minds and bodies all respond the same way to any stress or trauma whether it's loosing a job, the loss of a loved one, a family pet or even retirement. Stress & trauma is still, stress & trauma! The changes to our daily routines are interrupted which makes it harder to move on. Every time we sit down to eat, they're not there. Every morning we wake up, we realize we have no job to go to. The wound is constantly broken open. It's opened a gap in time we must fill with something else, it's the law of the universe. Something will always fill in an empty space, it's physics.
In my own times of loss I remember the feeling of being on your hands and knees, feeling your way around in the dark, scared, alone and feeling like you can't find the door to get out. The mind remembers that there was sunshine somewhere; it's why we want out of suffering. Subconsciously we know love and happiness exist, we just can't find our way back to it. But we can, and do. As I've gotten older and having been through my share of pain and trauma I've realized that life is a repeating pattern just like the seasons, the days and cycles of everything. Happiness and suffering are like the seasons. One may love winter by playing in the snow, another is freezing to death and digging out to stay alive, then the sun comes and saves the dying one but now burns the one that was playing in the snow.
I've run into people who are still playing the same record over and over again in their minds their entire lives, struggling to sort through the shrapnel of an incident that happened 20 years ago constantly picking at an old wound and refusing to let go of a trauma spending the rest of their lives repeating things like "just my luck" or "Murphy's law". It's as though they've accepted some victim fate of never ending suffering.
Every body reacts the same way chemically to a traumatic situation, but the difference is how the mind chooses to react to the body's reaction.
Man is sitting quietly enjoying camp.
Dinosaur invades camp, chases man.
Man reacts either by running or fighting.
Danger is over and dinosaur is gone but camp is destroyed by dinosaur.
Man gets sad at loss of camp.
Man gets angry, then sad, then confused as to why and where the dinosaur came from.
Man gets angry at himself, then others, looking for a "why".
Man gets frustrated and tired of rebuilding camp.
Man rebuilds camp better than before and enforces surroundings.
OK, so that's a corny analogy of humans, but its life. Loss happens to EVERYONE. No one is immune to loss of some sort, it's part of the function of the entire universe. Every living and non-living thing gains and looses something. Sometimes this analogy passes so quickly we barely notice it and sometimes it drags on for years.
What is your interpretation of an incident? What is your explanation of why something happened? Does faith have an effect on how we get past things? I don't believe there is a right way or a wrong way to get past anything as long as you come out the other side wiser, not be bitter or angry at others around you and let it go and live, not just exist.
Some faiths teach us to look inward, find our peace within ourselves. Understand that life just is and we have little control over anything external. A perpetually changing pendulum that never stops. Our blood keeps circulating, our cells keep dying and regenerating themselves, the universe keeps moving, nothing dies, it just changes form. No single creator involved, life creates itself from itself.
Some faiths teach us to look outward questioning why this happened to us over and over again. The will of an external force, a punishment, bad karma, a curse or a devil chasing us. It's a shame on us for doing bad. Blaming someone or something else for what happens to us while alive or after we're gone. The human brain constantly seeks answers to things, it's natural. Being told to just have faith or convincing us that this external force has it's reasons, is not an answer we like to hear. It's like telling a child "Don't do that" The child is going to always ask "Why not?" and you answer "Because I said so" is hard to swallow if you believe in an external force.
Either way you look at it, life happens and keeps going. Some things we will never have answers too no matter how hard we keep looking or asking. When it involves people we will never know what went through their minds, why they did what they did. Everyone is on his own path through life, learning his own lessons, dealing with his own issues. We HAVE to move on. You have things to do and work out too.
- Flip your mattress and move into the center of the bed, the hump will go away quickly.
- Find something to occupy your mind from obsessing. Reading, painting, running.
- Learn something new. Focus your mind on new things.
- Socialize with others. Be mindful not to dump & complain to your friends constantly. They understand your pain but let them keep the conversation on other things. It helps ease stress by changing your focus and move on. Good energy is what you need, avoid others that feed the "misery loves company" mentality. Turn on daytime tv or watch the news if you need a confirmation that you're not the only one who's lost.
- Remember your faith. Meditate, understand it WILL pass.
- Journal writing. It helps us focus and slows down a chattering mind.
- Exercise! Burn up those damaging stress hormones; get rid of anxiety and depression.
- Get rid of the pain triggers of the loss. I'm gonna get shit for this one but the wound gets reopened every time you are reminded of that loss. Pictures, clothing, smells, dishes, foods, anything that reminds you of the loss. Putting these things in a box gets them out of site so you can heal. You can always give them away later when you are ready to move on, happily. Throwing them away triggers even more loss, it shows the brain the loss is in the garbage. (Unless you want it there)
- Don't get stuck in the time gap. Make a plan to fill the time gap left by the loss, a new schedule. This is why they say "keep busy". By filling that time gap it results in, "keeping busy".
- Don't cry "you just don't understand". YES, we do. YOU have to get through this in your own heart and mind.
- Don't get caught in the perpetual "why me" mode. Refocus on anything and stop the thought if you start feeling stressed, address it another day.
- Don't create negative anniversaries: "16 years ago today....." Celebrate and remember life, not loss. One issue I have with certain holidays and remembrances, they open old wounds reliving loss by reenacting negative situations. Guilt teaches us to not forget. Focus on the positive outcome, not the misery that fueled it. If you focus on the path while on it, then on the destination when you get there, you're always living in the present moment.
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